![]() If nothing else, they represent a horrible waste of bandages. At one point, my staff demanded I shoot the monobeasts – the monobrows of infected patients – infesting my hospital while I was dealing with an outbreak of Ancient Egyptian mummies. ![]() Like Theme Hospital before it, much of Two Point Hospital’s entertainment comes from its outlandish ailments. This is better for my moral wellbeing – I felt bad having to increase my prices to cover the costs of running my hospital – but it did mean I was relying on the health minister to pay up when we completed his extra challenges. This one starts with many pre-built rooms – I’m a fan already – but the catch is, you don’t make money from diagnosing, treating, or mistreating patients. However, my favourite has to be Duckworth-Upon-Bilge, where you take over a public hospital under the strapped-for-cash Two Point Health Service. The hospital named Melt Downs, for instance, gives you an abandoned old facility, with rubbish strewn all over the place, broken machines, and unpredictable weather. Repetitive building aside, Two Point Hospital manages to make each level feel fresh by giving you new challenges, new ailments, extreme weather, natural disasters, and new areas of research. Oh, you want a staff room with a prestige of four, do you Nigella Findlater? Well, did you consider that maybe we’re in dire need of a room to save people with Jest Infections? The staff challenges aren’t of the utmost importance, but they do highlight where your hospital needs improving, which offers a little useful direction. There are many challenges to complete in order to get a one star hospital, and on top of that sometimes your staff ask more of you, too. Once you get back to a straight face you can refocus on the task of getting your hospital to at least a one star rating – this unlocks the next level, and gets you a few bonuses for doing so. Fortunately, when you’re so engrossed in planning and decision-making, you might not notice some of the repetition. “We’re sorry for the litter that you dropped on our floor,” the tannoy sounds off, but I stopped laughing at that joke several hours ago. But while it’s funny and cute to begin with, after you hear the same announcement for the 30th time, their voices soon wear thin. The dry British humour on display in those names carries over to the radio presenters and tannoy announcers of your hospital. Victoria Bolognese is motivated and tireless, so she’s an obvious hire, whereas Aldo Codswallop is nausea inducing, hangry, and swallows his gum – need I say more? The hiring process is one of my favourite parts of the game – choosing which candidate has the best qualifications while also considering their temperament and various positive or negative traits. They plead when you threaten to fire them and have conversations in hallways rather than walk like robots between patients. Where Two Point Hospital shines like one of the polished white tiles adorning my wards is in how it makes hospital staff feel like actual humans. I’d create the damn blueprint myself if I was able. The GP’s office is always at least four by three squares so the absence of a premade option is frustrating. It quickly becomes tiring having to choose and position each individual component of a room so that, with every new hospital, you have to recreate the same hospital basics. Specifically, it would be great if Two Point Hospital gave you access to premade rooms. However, while you have the option to customise every facet of your buildings – similar to Theme Hospital – there’s room to add add more convenience. Beyond the fantastic art style, Two Point Hospital has granular management menus that are reminiscent of those found in Planet Coaster, which means they appeal to my need to fiddle with, well, everything. This new game of theirs takes heavily from their work on Theme Hospital, it being a hospital management sim after all, and wonderfully it has all the modern doodads such a reimagination should. We’re talking Black & White, Fable, and – of course, the connoisseur’s choice – The Movies. Two Point Hospital has been built by people who made some of my favourite games when I was younger. Do I have the money to add any extras to it? Right now I do, but further down the line I know I’ll regret buying that yucca plant. The room needs to be at least four squares by three, have a door, a desk, and a filing cabinet. How many of these have I built now? I’ve lost count. After that it’ll be time to build another GP’s office. Before anything else, I need to build a reception desk so I can check in the horde of patients pressing against the doors, flinging snot and disease into the morning air. ![]() Can we give Two Point Hospital, the spiritual successor to Theme Hospital, a clean bill of health?Īnother day, another hospital.
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